i'm sorry that "graveness" can still be such a prominent part of my expressive range. i must suppose that you know people who have a lot of private turmoil but still know better than to foist really self-serious expressions onto anyone they know, and instead have their own ways of rerouting the feelings. i am very much reflecting on that at this moment

i want to say that i.. will be here exactly as long as you want me to be. i don't think there is any outcome where i leave you

i feel like a hundred different times i have said things too despondent and felt like they would make you disenchanted with me - you seem to have taken it in stride each time and i am very grateful...i would like to think that i will not carry on along a path of repetitive despondence that would finally make u very tired of it all

I'm so ragged that the only way to describe the way my body feels is to get a wet towel and hit violently it against a concrete garden floor on a hot january morning for about 30 seconds

i should be in a place where thinking can happen. i have a lot of regret in me and i wish it could go away. it is hard to be where thine own sadness has become ancient. its hard to do anything but energy can be stored in books. unwise with the intractability of text, or unattentive to the positioning of the window, or aware but preferring to be late, to be on the other side, smash my head. I like the between state of the election results, really just the sense of not having a president.

You know what they say “contradiction is the lever of transecendance”

how horrible it was of me to have believed my interests were my responsibilities, and that my responsibilities were things to never do

i am fascinated by the idea that any innocuous experience could be made traumatizing through being defined as a taboo

I want to be generous all stupidity is the same I remember and forget immediately for a brief time i remember trying to imagine other people as children real suggestion counter action for then more pronounced misanthropy but better. Why you wanna break glass so bad? hear myself saying through the phone I sound genuinely curious not teasing but its hard to tell everybody sounds underwater. lucky I have historical imagination. think of this often as a gift one the best: Historical Imagination means I can leave myself different from a new language which is inextricable from natal tongue past eye require only an open space the will to emptiness.

im naked ive been naked for days but this is new im very very nudeim not wearing a body I dont see it I dial myself its ringing don't want to talk too much but

5am and now i can’t remember what i was dreaming because i was woken up by the loudest sky splitting thunder ive ever heard genuinely thought there was a major explosion outside my window and now it is so still there is not even rain or wind or any human activity at alland i can hear the vastness of empty space and the sky keeps lighting up with distant lightning that makes no sound i had to confirm i wasnt deafened and still feeling so terrified like i havent been since i was a child i have this horrific feeling some profound evil was just born somehow.

dream abt a world that was bleak burned trees interspersed with lots of marimo filled ponds and the grass was in patches like scleranthus cushion like blobs the sky was like nuclear holocaust but now i cant even remember on what surface the sex was had and at one point i stopped and rested and there was a panther behind me but it was a baby one.

olfactory fatigue and Uncanny winter feeling, chill of the wind, bareness of trees, grotesquely bright for winter. leaving from work feels like being a new plush toy getting its tag cut off

everything i ever make is always described as 'delicate' and 'sweet' as an immediate first response

lazy hopeless generation we shall disinherit the earth. it's 'medicinal' or whatever that word will come to mean when every phrase and every turn has lost any ghost of sense and we blissed out on indolence and everybody be like it's failurecore!

nurse at the hospital isnt sure about whats going on in my body but i know the pain in my heart is affecting my insides. when you snap and your heart pounds and your blood boils and you get sick. Heard the “death rattle” from a patient today and it freaked me out. , I like being medically pampered but the hospital is too much. They don't let me sleep because I have to me medicated every 6 hours. being around cats at uni and adjusting to their temperament and them adjusting to me and it’s almost like courting. repeating the rituals of offending and buying back love

Feeling so sensitive it's weird how being out at night feels psychedelic even when you don't drink. Everything around me emotionally charged, every moment with every person you know feeling hyper aware of every feeling, expression, leaning in, looking into eyes, faces, touch.

i agree with nietzsche when he says coffee spreads darkness and tea is wholesome in the morning but only if it is strong enough bc if even too weak by one measure will “sicklie one over the whole day”.

dream of the sea coated in boats packed bow to stern being struck with staccato lightnings and a cloud of white birds all escaping towards me furiously. and then a dream within that dream in which i was on a lone boat watching showers of meteors fall into the waters ahead before opening up into a great whirlpool that sucked me up and the marked feeling of such exceptional awe being entirely flavourless in exceeding my capacities .

so hot and heavy last night. extended half sleep state where the precise form of my body on top of the covers held intimate and prophetic meaning. and then finally culminating in terrible dream of vacation in a hotel complex with no windows and all i wanted was to go have a long and languid lunch but everyone had excuses for me

The pull of the grass field on misbehaving youth

I miss u I say for the first time about things I thought I’d never say them to cause what that affirmation was saved for made me stifled and congested for contained periods of life that are like seasons with different writers. Ask with innocence to yourself: why did you betray me?

I can pick up on all other subtexts but I’m just gonna entertain for a second I’m delusional about someone’s subconscious tending to grudge/envy weighted scale . there’s a difference for when ur absent cause that’s preferred tbh bitch I gave u my entire life force but double down that just cause it’s not real and it evades u I don’t give anything that’s dumb that’s military shit fuckos who are Thomas the train looking headass need a trolley problem

Locked in so hard, can’t speak and love fantasy don’t stir me like dopamines kiss wilted as sleeping beauty and I’ve gone metallic donning a chest plate, and the void spreading like motion graphics history channel of war path manifested into my other room in my apartment, dark and black mold and the bugs having a Kiki like random bugs I’ve never seen before it’s show guest of the week.

when u suffer nature gives u an option while something is taken away from you, now u have the agency to recontexrualize. While I wait with glistening bait like a tiara atop my head, bridal and holy hospital. And my love of people as my chess set, my soldier and protector and on my right my happiness and tools for mastery. To destroy and drain the creative voice with one wish, the revenge as success to restore the wound and the industrial fishing complex waiting for its next unaware victim, to spin them into social suicide or systemic death if they try to vouch for their humanity. And i crode, the scary visions come back and my first nightmare once again symbolizing I returned to creative throne that only I recognize but the price of insanity, and seeing evil but not being afraid redux.

Passion is the hunger games. And I eat bread when it’s the only option (ate toasts this weekend: nuance). The ancients def talked about this.

I am crying due to the spectre of evil that blankets the earth and poisons our minds with visions of little goblins with faces that stretch by tortuous instruments like a hallucination from a person trapped in a basement with unspeakable acts performed on them and only through dreams can their spirit release as their waking mind remains feeble as newborn calf is compelled to stand for the first time. I'm joking. The joke is always the melodrama

I see the potency in the messaging of reality like standing in the shallows with the rapids downstream and visible in composition.

4:30 am wake up like boogey man feverish feeling. My innocence hurts me and it makes me cry. my feelings pull me in a thousand ways. And my tears are like Rollie pollies they’re huge and roll off so fast. imagination getting carried away. It irks my soul to no avail when future sucks

There’s something secretly endearing knowing that those who despise something congregate with others so as to hate in communion, juggling their perceptions of something as objective fact, engaging in lower caste communions, a proof that hate is the best soil for execrating fellowships. It's amusing when you realize someone is not the leader of the group but the eunuch. I dont know anything about male friendship dynamics but I know needing to invoke blood/tribal superiority to justify the emptiness of your own condition. It's perverse, cowardice. Nulliness.Men who I feel grossed out by should check their weather report/farmers almanac and Trojan horse when tragedy strikes me.The prudes will say: oh that’s disgustingly manipulative/opportunist and that’s why I hate men. Is it manipulative or is it strategy of fate?

Have been letting people affect me lately. Letting real life people mean something to me and letting them influence my schedule, my living arrangement, things beyond interests. Letting them see the worst of me. I’ve been becoming blurry at the edges. Challenging myself to depend on others is harder than being singular. Loving everybody is harder than loving one person. I thought I was so fluid only showing face when I was ripe for it and then leaving before I could get frustrated or bored. I feel more fluid allowing myself to be molded by hands that reached for me and hold on even if I squirm.

christianity. the mother of god the son of god. Ecce homo, god humiliated, debased, killed by human hands. John, Johannes, Hovhannes, the beloved apostle, the eagle flying closest to god. God as a bird. God resurrected, victory of life in community over death. Good over evil, Mary trampling the snake. Anastasis, the harrowing of hell. Rebirth. Baptism in the river jordan. Liquid tomb. Caput johannes in disco, john the baptist. Chephalophore. The desert…christ in the wilderness. Penitent Magdalena. bread snd wine. The Body and blood of christ. The blood, the lamb of god. Thomas, the wounded body of god. Umbilicus mundi. The navel of the world. The side-wound. The mother of the mother of god, Anna…the human birth of god. Theotokos, god-bearer. Hodegetria, she-who-points-the-way. In the beginning was the word. The Word made flesh.

The Pain That Made U Realize